{vulnerabilty}

tonight, I stumbled upon a TED talk entitled The power of vulnerability by Brene Brown from the University of Houston. this women is right up my alley - a researcher who likes to measure and quantify everything. This might not all sound coherent, but the talk resonated with me and I wanted to share it.

What really struck me was how she defined part of vulnerability as doing 'something where there is no guarantee.' This isn't a huge revelation, I just have never considered it in those terms. I can do that with with my research because I have always understood that there are no 'right' answers in chemistry; there is no guarantee of a successful reaction. After writing that, I'm not entirely sure why I still love my work and why I continually show up to lab each day, but it may be partly because the chemicals can't talk back. I can't hurt them or be hurt by them. 


People, however, have always been a different story. I have come to realize that I consciously will keep part of myself from people, in a way, shielding myself. Goodness, that sounds cliché, but really, who doesn't? Many days I envy people like my lovely roommate, who I see as a more open and vulnerable person. People (including me) respond to her; she has connections/relationships with so many people and they're not just surface level relationships. She embodies the type that 'realize the vulnerability and tenderness are important, and they surrender and walk into it' that Brown discusses in her talk. Maybe it's because she's a poet. I could count my friends in high school on half of one hand, partially because I never felt like I could be even somewhat vulnerable with the people around me. But that could just be high school culture. I changed a bit in college, consciously trying to invest in others by being open with them, I can see where that has changed me and I am more aware of how I interact with people, the 'level' of vulnerable I am with them. I couldn't tell you why I'm not very open with others - I have grown up surrounded by a loving and supportive family and I know that I am loved, accepted and redeemed by Christ just as I am. I guess it just what it is; I can only keep working on how to be vulnerable with others. Again, college has been helpful, especially the honors program,  healthily introducing gray in my life, into what I thought were set-in-stone beliefs. I'm learning to live in those gray spaces, becoming more comfortable with non-definite answers, but I know that when I can, I tend to create more defined borders. I like rules, I like guidelines, I am uncomfortable with just 'going with the flow' or taking initiative with people. Though, you probably wouldn't believe me if you saw the order-less state of my room, clothes tossed everywhere :) My heart knows vulnerability is important - vital - to community with people, the church, Christ; but my mind frequently stops my words and actions from moving to that place.


so tonight, I pray for the ability to be vulnerable with myself, with others, with Christ.